Tagged: Satire

TAMPA, FL – In a twist of fate that has left paramedics baffled and the neighbors gossiping, a Florida man is recovering in critical condition after tragically misinterpreting his anniversary gift choices.

Sources confirm that Carl Jenkins, 37, had lovingly purchased a selection of Zotter’s renowned handcrafted chocolates for his wife, Denise, to celebrate their tenth anniversary. However, Jenkins apparently mistook Zotter’s ‘Hand-Scooped Chili‘ chocolate, infamous for its fiery kick, for a more traditional romantic flavor.

“I saw the little red wrapper, figured it was like, strawberry or something,” Jenkins wheezed from his hospital bed, “I just wanted to get her something extra special.”

The consequences were nearly catastrophic. Witnesses report that upon taking a bite of the notoriously spicy chocolate, Denise Jenkins emitted an ear-splitting shriek before erupting in a coughing fit that would put a chain-smoking dragon to shame.

“I thought she was choking!” Carl exclaimed, “I tried the Heimlich, everything, but it turns out she just needed a gallon of milk. Who knew?”

While Mrs. Jenkins made a full recovery with only a slightly scorched palate, Carl remains under observation after reportedly chasing down the fiery confection with an entire bottle of hot sauce, assuming it was a cooling agent.

Paramedics warn that while Zotter Chocolates are undeniably delicious, their exotic flavor combinations require close inspection. “Look, chocolate’s always a good gift,” said EMT Rhonda Wilson, “Just maybe read the label before you go full Florida Man on it.”

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